The Fear of Expectations
Posted on August 25th, 2010
Back to school is upon us and for some, it could not come soon enough. For others, it can be a time of frustration and stress.
I remember the hours my adoptive mother would spend with me at the kitchen table as we struggled to get through the dreaded homework.
As we approached the table for our nightly ritual, both of us wondered who would bend and give in first. Would my mother finally throw in the towel and say, enough is enough; I can't take it anymore. Or would my brain finally kick in and say, hey, this isn't so bad!
Fortunately, my mother never gave up on me and I was forced to sit there all night until my work was completed and packed away to return school - only for me to conveniently "forget
" to turn in my work or to lose it on the way to school. Man, how my mom would pull her hair out on that one.
As I think about my interactions with caregivers over the years, they would be flabbergasted and ask, "Why don't my children turn in their homework, even after they spent hours working on it?"
I can only share my reasons for doing this and it only comes after much self-reflection. My reason is that I didn't want to be good at anything for fear of the expectations that would come from doing well.
Wow, let's think about that for a minute. If I did well, then others would come to count on me - or worst yet, they may find value in me when I didn't see any value in myself. If I didn't do well, then no one would count me and I could "blend" into the background and not stand out.
While, I didn't do as well as other kids in school, I found that blending in and being likable was good enough to get me through school. Teachers liked me because I didn't cause trouble and I had a good sense of humor.
For me, my low self-esteem affected how I did at school, who my friends were, and the decisions I made. For others, this could be what is affecting them, or it could be that this is their second, third, or more schools they have transferred to this year.
They may have had a two week gap in-between schools, or they may not have been given full credit for a semester due to absence. Are they missing classes because they are pulled for therapy sessions, visits, medication checkups, etc. Do they have a diagnosed developmental delay, but do not have an IEP in place?
With these things in mind, why would they care if they do well or not in school? How much effort would you put into school if you had all of that going on?
Here are some of the tips that I shared with the caregivers I worked with:
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Advocate, advocate and advocate!
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If you are a foster or adoptive parent, work with your child's case worker to help get your child all of the credits they have earned.
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Don't wait for another team member to get the process started for an IEP jump in and get the ball rolling.
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Get all of the child's school records.
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Work with your child on their self-esteem.
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Don't make school the issue.
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Continue to highlight a child's strengths.
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Use positive reinforcement.
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Don't allow the child to use being in foster care as their reason for not doing well.
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Be consistent.
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Try and arrange all appointments for after school. If a child continues to be pulled from school for various appointments we are teaching them that other things are more important.
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Get to know the teachers and counselors at your school.
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Foster and adoptive parents need to attend school events, such as IEP meetings, meet the teacher night, etc. in order for the child to see that you are interested in what they are doing at school. Although it may be necessary for case managers to be present at some of these meetings, it is more important for the foster/adoptive parents to be there.
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Stick with it! I know those nights at the table working on homework is hard, but believe me it will make a difference in the long run!
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This goes without saying, but minimize the child's placement moves or if a child has to move, see if they can stay in the same school.
These are just a few of the suggestions that I have shared over the years. Hopefully, you will be able to implement one or more of these suggestions. If you have additional questions, please don't hesitate to contact me.
As always, thank you for all of the work that you do with children in foster care!
Adam Robe, MSW