Why Can't I Just Be Me!
Posted on February 23rd, 2011
Our identities are created from birth and are developed through our interactions with our primary caretakers - usually our parent(s) and extended family.
Yet, if you are a child that is placed into foster care, you may find that there was a break in the formation of your identity. Defining "who" you are and "how" you fit into the world becomes harder the longer you remain in foster care.
I can break my time into three stages during my four years in foster care:
- "Original" Adam
- "Foster Care" Adam
- "Adopted" Adam
The expectations for me were different during each stage and I had three distinctive roles to play. Each placement caused me to re-evaluate who I was and who I needed to be in order to fit in.
Unfortunately, the original Adam wasn't the same Adam that came out four years later. This doesn't mean that I lost that Adam completely, but I lost or buried who this Adam was in order to make sure that I could be safe and secure.
For the last several weeks, I have been sharing ways that you can help to make a child feel as if they belong. This week, I'd like to share several more ways that can help a child adjust to tough changes in their lives.
I love Thanksgiving around our home. About thirty of my family members and friends get together to celebrate life and one another. I enjoy listening to everyone talk about how things have been going for them since the last time we spoke.
Through this sharing, our family is able to connect on a deeper level because we are able to learn more about one another and to share meaningful experiences in our lives. Since the birth of my children, this gathering of family and friends has become more important as it help my children gain an understanding of their family and identity.
Imagine now, sitting around the Thanksgiving table (or in your foster home) and not feeling like you are a part of the conversations that are going on around you. The conversation with you could be superficial or non-existent as people try to tip-toe around your feelings. Or worse, you overhear conversations as your foster family is talking to other relatives about you and your family. This can cause anxiety in a child, break down trust, and keep them from connecting with you in a meaningful way.
Here are several tips to help:
- Give opportunities for children to share their stories. Ask them questions to stir memories such as; "Tell me about a time that you ______." Or, "Have you ever done ______?" Then when you are in a group of family and/or friends, you can bring these up to help the child feel a part of the conversation.
- If you see a child sitting outside of the group or going off by themselves, get them involved in a game with other children.
- Focus on positive stories to share about a child and their family.
- Take children on vacations and to celebrate the holidays. Want to make a child feel even less like he/she is a part of your family? Then leave them in a respite home during holidays or "family" vacations. I am not saying that there isn't a time and a place for respite, but be careful when you use it.
- When talking to a child about their parents, use positive language. If you have to share information with others about a parent(s) wait until the child is out of the house or building. When a child hears you talk negatively about their parent(s), it makes them feel like they are not able to talk with you about them or that they need to defend them.
- You may have a difficult time believing this, but I have been introduced to a child as; "This is my RAD child" or
This is my little trouble maker." When a child is labeled it is hard for them to overcome this. Overtime, they may even begin to believe that they are that person. This is a dangerous practice and everyone involved with the children in foster care should avoid using labels to describe a child. I understand that it is necessary to diagnosis a child for treatment purposes, but there is a time and place to discuss this. - Transition children to their new placements. I know that there are cases where children need to be moved due to an emergency; however, all moves should be planned and a child should be transitioned. Meeting a family one time, and then moving them is not a transition. By not transitioning children, we risk creating more anxiety and trauma in their lives. Using my experience as an example:
- My mother placed me on a bus and sent me to another state to live. I didn't see her again for 39 years.
- I was placed in an emergency home, and the day my siblings and I were moved, I didn't see my brother again for three years.
- I was given one days notice that I was going to move into my adoptive placement.
- I came home from school to find that my sister was moving and would no longer going to live with me.
Think about the children you work with or that are in your home. Moves that occur quickly or without a transition can cause lifelong fears and anxiety around change and transition.
We all know that foster care is a necessity, but there are a number of things that we can do to help children during this difficult time in their lives.
The suggestions that I have given you over the last few weeks can make a huge difference in a child's life and it doesn't take any additional funding or new policies to implement them.
If you have any questions, feel free to email me at adam@robbietherabbit.com.
As always, thank you for all of the work you do for children and families involved in the foster care system.
Adam Robe, MSW