Everyone Lies; Why Should I Believe You?
Posted on January 27th, 2011
Everyone Lies; Why Should I Believe You? I lived in the same foster home for three years and during that time, not once did my foster parents tell me that they would adopt me or that I could stay there as long as I wanted to. Although, I lived with a constant reminder that I could leave at any moment, at least I didn’t have any false hopes about where I stood with them. Over the years, I have heard so many broken promises that were made to children in foster care. From, we are going to adopt you or that I will always be a part of your life and so many more. By no means do I believe that the promises were made with the intent to hurt, but regardless, these broken promises only reinforce the concept that it is difficult to believe what people will say, therefore, it is better not to trust anyone. There have been a few cases that a person shared their disappointment over a child who didn’t react when they told them they were not going to adopt them or that they had to move. Their opinion was that he/she didn’t really care one way or another and it reinforces their belief that they were making the right decision. In some cases, this may be true, or it could be that the child was expecting this to occur, so why should they react. Instead, they may raise their barriers a little higher to protect themselves from future pain and loss. Another way to build trust and help a child feel like they belong is to: Do what you say you will and don’t make promises that you can’t keep. Here are six ways to help you with this: Know thyself. One of the most challenging things for a child is when the adults around them are unsure of themselves or don’t know themselves well enough to anticipate how their own “issues” will impact their interaction with the children they are working with. Foster parents and adoptive parents go through training courses and family assessments to help them (and the assessor) recognize areas that they may need additional training or work. Court Appointed Special Advocates also go through training and an assessments for the same reasons. The reality is we are all human. And because of this we are prone to bringing our own stuff into the work we do. If we take the time to really get to know ourselves, and to work on overcoming our own baggage, we are more apt to be more confident in our work with children and families. Foster or adoptive families will have a better understanding of their limitations and overall goals. Thus, reducing the some of the negative effects on the children they bring into their homes. Case managers may come to understand why they feel the way they do about a person or situation and why they have barriers to working with birth parents. Recognizing the areas that we need to improve in our lives, will make a huge difference in helping the children and families we are working with. Know when to talk in absolutes. When I was placed in my adoptive home with my sister, one of the first things my parents told us was that they were going to adopt us and that we would be with them forever. Several months later, my sister was moved. I did go on to be adopted, but do you think I felt secure? Did it take me awhile to trust my parents – definitely! At the time my parents told my sister and me that we would be there forever, they really believed it to be true. But, they couldn’t foresee the future and they didn’t know what challenges were in store for them. Little did they know that they were going to have to take back what they said. As case workers, we do the same thing to children. When we move them into a foster home, we say things to comfort them, such as, “Don’t worry, you will be safe here. Mr. and Mrs. Smith will take care of you until you can go home.” Two things that were said in that sentence that a child may take at face value – “Mr. and Mrs. Smith are safe; I will be okay here”. And, “I will go home.” What if Mr. and Mrs. Smith change their mind and decide that they can no longer keep the child in their home until the case plan is achieved? What if the goal changes and the child will not be returning home? Again, this wasn’t done intentionally, as the case manager couldn’t see into the future, but to the child, the case manager may now been seen as someone they can’t trust. The child will question when you tell them something in the future and unconsciously or consciously, will raise their barriers to protect themselves. A child has the right to know and should know what is going on, but talking in absolutes should be reserved for things that you know will happen and that are in your control. Do what you say. As I stated above, none of us can see into the future, and we say things with good intentions, but in order to help children trust us, we have to make sure we make every attempt to follow through. When you tell a child that you are going to do something, then it is important that you do it. Remember, children in foster care may have lived in a home where a parent may have told them over and over that they were going to do something, and never did. Sadly, it is the little things we do that may add up and cause a child to doubt us. For example, “Johnny/Susie, I will play a game with you after dinner.” After dinner, we remembered that we needed to mow the lawn and we say, sorry, I need to do this first and then we can play a game. But later never comes because it then is bedtime. Think before you agree to something and make sure that you can follow through with it. Don’t agree to do something that is out of your control. And, by you following through on what you said you would do, a child will start learning that there are people that do what they say and they can be trusted. Admit when you’ve made a mistake. When we do make a mistake or we don’t follow through with something, explain to the child what happened. If we own up to our mistakes and don’t make them a habit, most children will still learn that they can count on us. This is also a great way to model the type of behavior that we would like a child to learn - taking responsibility for our actions. Learn the system. It can be difficult for a new worker to start their job and be given a caseload of 15 or more children and families to work with. Often, they may attend a week or two of training, but then it is into the trenches. Foster and adoptive parents also receive training about; however, it can be overwhelming and difficult to understand until they have a child placed in their home. I encourage you to ask a lot of questions, and to get familiar with the service providers in your community. If you are a new case manager, hook up with another experienced case manager that you can turn to when you need help or have questions. Foster and adoptive parents should get connected with their local foster and adoptive parent association and to get connected with other seasoned parents that they can talk with. By learning the system you are involved in, it will help you know what is realistic and not realistic. You will have a better idea of what to expect, therefore, you will have a better idea of what is possible. Put yourself in the shoes of the child. When you put yourself in the shoes of the child you are working with, you will have a better idea of how their experiences have shaped the person they are now. You may come to understand why a child isn’t acting the way that you would expect. You may also find that you are trying to get your needs met instead of meeting their needs. Working with children and families in social work, can be overwhelming, highly stressful, and frustrating. It is up to you to determine how you will react to a situation, and the impact that your decisions will have on a child. I guarantee that if you follow the above tips, you will develop a trusting relationship with a child in foster care that will open the door for more meaningful and honest conversations. Doing what you say you will and not making promises that you can’t keep are a few more ways to show a child that they are valued - which is one of the ways to show a child that they belong.
I remember the lie that my mother told me on the day that I entered foster care:
"I'll see you soon."
These four words were said to me as she put me and my siblings on a bus that was to deliver us to our grandparents home nine hours away. Her version of seeing me soon ended up being 39 years later.
That lie was hard to come to terms with, but the one that hurt the most was the one that comes with a mother's love. The one where your mother is suppose to take care of you and love you forever. Not abandon you and leave you to the mercy of strangers.
When a child enters the foster care system, chances are good they are skeptical of those around them. After all, up until that point, and this probably goes without saying, that one or more of their parents failed to protect them or to provide a safe environment for them.
They may have also heard, seen, and experienced more in their short lives than many people have in their lifetimes. Broken promises and lies are all too common and are just words that may become meaningless to a child.
In week two of my series; Helping a Child Feel as if They Belong, we are going to discuss another way that you help a child feel valued, safe, and ultimately and as if they belong.
A person may fear conflict or they want everyone to like them, so they can come across as unsure or worse yet, incompetent. Decisions may be made based on emotion and personal bias versus on what is in the best interest of a child (although the person may not even know it).
Students of social work programs are often tasked with exercises to help them dig into their own “stuff” in order to have an understanding of how this will impact the people they work with. Therapists are also encouraged to participate or to consult with other therapists to discover or assess their practice – this includes working on their own issues that may be present.
Adam